Thursday, December 09, 2004

December 8, 2004

If you have been reading this page for long you know I have no patience with religious nonsense - of any flavor. I venture to bet more people have died in the name of religion than any other single cause.

So every once in a while I like to impart some advice to those being lead astray by the conjurers of superstition, be they Rabbis, Priests or Mullahs. Some of the nonsense these sanctimonious blowhards pump into young heads should be designated crimes against humanity -- because that's where it often leads.

So, today I take on the Islamic radical Mullah’s promise of 72 virgins in heaven for those who martyr themselves in the name of Jihad. I want to do my part to de-program these angry young Arab men being encouraged to die by their Mullah's in return for some serious nooky.

Memo to Would-be Martyrs

Young fellas... before you blow yourself up please sit down a moment and think this thing through. I understand you are a 17-year old male and the idea of being handed 72 virgins for your own personal consumption is mighty tempting. After all, you come from a culture that does not even allow you to look at a woman’s face or hold a girl’s hand. So, the idea that all you have to do to relieve all that pent up adolescent sexual tension is blow yourself up, would could be tempting. Listen, I get it. I come from an open society where boys and girls commingle as the norm, and when I was your age an offer of 72 virgins, all for me? Whoa. dude! I would have probably started searching for some dynamite that very day.

But wait. I am older now, been around the block a few times and I have some advice you need to hear. Don’t do it. You will die to regret it.
Clue to the inexperienced – a person can only be a virgin once. After that first time they are just another used car. Drive it off the lot and you own it.

So, how long do you think 72 virgins are going to last a horny 17-year old boy? I suspect you could burn your way through that flock in about 3 days of heavy breathing. Then what? I'll tell you what - congratulations, you have 72 wives.

Another clue:
Virgins are lousy lovers.

What we have is one guy with zero experience in bed plus 72 women with zero experience. This, my friend, is a formula for 72 very (VERY) bad dates.. Both you and the girls come from a society that does not allow single folks to even think about sex, much less learn about it. So you probably have all kinds of gauzy, Arabian Nights images in your head about what it will be like. Forget about it. A few hours in the back seat of an old Chevy with the president of the girls’ high school debating team would prepared you better.

Another thing you should consider. Since the Mullahs make it a key sales point that these girls are “virgins,” then apparently in heaven anatomy remains in its earthly form. Therefore, odds are your first sowing of oats should yield a hungry, noisy crop of about 25 kids nine months after you pull that trigger. And more later. Lots more. Hope you like kids because in a couple years your heavenly home will look and sound like an inner city daycare center.

Another clue to the clueless:

Ever notice that none -- not one -- of those sanctimonious, ranting
Mullahs has ever blown themself up? Ever wonder why? I supsect it may be because they are already the proud owners of three or four former virgins, now wives. And the thought of having another 68 wives around handing them "Honey Do" lists everyday is just not their idea of heaven.

So fellas, if you really want to strap some C-4 to your body and blow yourself up, go ahead. But if I were you I’d do a little research on living with one woman before you take ownership of 72. Move in with a nice girl. I recommend it. Because life with one good woman is great.

But 72? Believe me, you do not want to go there. Within a month you will be looking to blow yourself up again.

(PS: What do female martyrs get? They can hope not 72 inexperienced males because – and I think you gals out there will not disagree with this – that’s not exactly your image of heaven.)

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