August 23, 2005

It's a Boy !
( Boy oh boy, is it ever ! )


Congratulations George W. Bush, you are the father of a bouncing baby Islamic Republic!

What-ya mean you want a paternity test? Who else could be the father? Saddam was dictator and despot but a secular one. He used to have troublesome mullahs whacked. Anyway, you have him locked up. He sure didn't do it.

No, George, I am afraid you have to take responsibility for your little mullah. Come on now, don't be ashamed, stuff happens. You thought you were just going in for some heavy petting and, wham – the next thing you know you've created a another Islamic brat that's going to blame you for everything that's wrong with the world. Sharper than a serpent's tooth, huh?

Of course you may have a hard time explaining this to your fundamentalist Christian town folk. Lots of us tried to get you to abort this thing before it got to this point, but now it's too late. Now you will have to explain why a couple of thousand US kids had to die just so Iraqi men can marry girls as young as nine, and then legally beat the crap out of them if they don't toe the Islamic line.

I wonder what your pal, the most reverend Jerry Falwell, will have to say about grown men marrying pre-teen girls? But there's no escaping it George, it's your doing. Maybe you can make Rev. Jerry feel better if you explain that Muslims also hate abortion. So, if the guy knocks the little girl up, she will have a playmate in nine months. You can tell Jerry that and see how it floats.

Half the humans on earth are women. But in your new Islamic Republic, George, half of all Iraqis will be less than half as equal than the other half. Women will have to cover up or risk being beaten by misogynistic thugs masquerading as "religious police." Whatya gonna say when TV footage of that reaches Red State women voters? How about "They were asking for it dressing like that? " It's worth a try.

Maybe you should ask those mothers camped out by your ranch about how to handle this. After all, their kids died helping deliver your new baby. First notice that none of those women are wearing berkas. This is a clue. It's hot in both Iraq and Crawford. But at least in Crawford women can wear shorts. This may not be the case in your new Iraq where, despite temperatures over 100 degrees, women will be pressured to cover up in heat-absorbing black, head to toe – and not because black is slimming, either. As they sweat viewing the world through eye-slits, they will have you to blame for that, daddy.

You may also want to start work on how you are going to break this news to those in your administration so enamored by "the sanctity of marriage." They may be surprised to discover that under Islamic law a guy done with a wife just has to say, "I divorce you," three times in a row, and she's out on her berka covered butt. Talk about quickie divorces! Eat your heart out, Nevada.

This divorce thing may give you some trouble with those Catholic voters you have been catering to with all this traditional family stuff. But you may be able to mitigate the damage by pointing out that Islam and Catholisim have a lot in common. Islam doesn't allow women to become mullahs just as the The Church does not allow women to become priests. You can sell that as "common ground."

How about alimony? Forget about it. Women have no community property rights under Islamic law, not even the right to the children they bore during a marriage. But you may find some allies for this in Utah because Muslim men can have more than one wife – at the same time! (I wonder how your pal, the most pious, Rev. James Dobson, at Focus on The Family will feel about that? His mantra is that only "One man, one women" is marriage. You may be able to soothe Dobson's ire by reminding him that homosexuality is a capital crime under Islamic law. He'll like that. )


George, George, George -- your father had the sense to pull out early, but oh no, you just had to go all the way. Now look what you've done -- created a new playmate for the militant Iranian gang next door.

It's too late to do anything about all this now, George. But don't be too hard on yourself. You're not the first father to have a kid go sideways on him. Jeffrey Dahmer, Charlie Mason, Ted Bundy, O.J. Simpson, Adolf Hitler, Richard Nixon, they each had daddies.

All you can do now is spend the rest of your life trying to convince history that you gave the kid every chance in life but he still went bad on you. It probalby won't work though. History is cruel that way. There are no spin-masters in history classes. Just facts set in cement.