Friday, September 09, 2005

September 9, 2005

Cheney's Evacuate Too

News Flash: Cheney's Are Safe
Amidst all the sad tales coming out of the hurricane zone, a shaft of light glowed down from the heavens today. It was the news that Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynn, are safe and in the process of moving to new quarters.

The news comes from neighbors of the exclusive St. Michaels, Maryland community who have generously agreed to accept the Cheney family in this time of need. The couple's new home will be a modest $3 million shotgun shack nestled on the Eastern Shore of the gated community.

"They've grown used to having a secretary of defense in their midst -- the way his weekend estate is tucked behind a bend in the road, how he takes casual walks tailed by dark SUVs. Now, residents of this Eastern Shore retreat are preparing for someone even bigger to buy a house down the road: the vice president....
"I'd heard it (the sale) was going to close either Tuesday or Wednesday of this week," Carroll Hurley, a funeral home owner, said. (Washington Post)

While uprooted from their old community, the evacuees will find at least two familiar faces in their new one, the Rumsfelds, who already have a home there. And, from the reaction of St. Michael residents, the Cheney's can expect a warm and supportive welcome.

(Resident) Jim Kohlhaus remembered a recent day when several security people walked into the store, followed by the vice president. "I'll be . . . ," Kohlhaus said. He recalled telling Cheney he voted for him twice, "and I finally get to shake your hand." Cheney extended his hand, Kohlhaus said, and bought some shotgun shells.

The Cheney's were apparently evacuated to St. Michael even before Katrina hit the Gulf region and temporarily housed at the Rumsfeld's $2 million compound.

The Cheney's were recently spotted dining with the Rumsfelds at Talbot's, a high-end restaurant in central St. Michaels. Those there at the time reported that the VP uncomplainingly made do with what was at hand during these difficult times, braised shoulder of Lamb.

(Editor's note: I must stop here to orient the reader. By now you must be wondering, "Is this guy jerking us around? Is this satire or real?" Well, the details are real, the sarcasm is mine -- although, it's real too. I continue...)

The Cheney's are not alone within their social class. Sudden moves to secure, gated communities are becoming increasingly common among the nation's wealthy families. The motivator appears to be the growing number of dislocated, under-employed, uninsured and increasingly angry families appearing in their once secure communities. Just yesterday former First Lady Barbara Bush voiced personal alarm that her family's once comfortably secure compound in Texas was being threatened by the influx of "underprivileged" families from neighboring Louisiana and Mississippi..

"Many of them (storm evacuees) want to stay in Texas now," Lady Bush whispered to an NPR reporter. "That's pretty scary."

Lady Bush did not indicate she was ready to follow the Cheney's and Rumsfeld to St. Michael, though it is unlikely they will have to since the Bush's maintain their own rural redoubt on the coast of Maine.

Meanwhile families at the opposite end of the income salami are also on the move. Nearly a quarter of a million poor, mostly miniority families, were rendered hovel-less by Katrina and are being moved to new temporary homes outside the disaster zone. Remarkably, some of them are getting their own taste of life in a gated community:

"Utah's Governor Jon Huntsman has taken in some of the New Orleans refugees, at remote Camp Williams ... replete with barbed wire, armed soldiers and sheriff with weapons at ready...(Full Story)

While their own wrenching relocation will undoubtedly be rough on the aging Cheney's, once ensconced in their new retreat they will be a bit more comfortable than those folks cooling their brown heels in the Utah desert.

The (Cheney's new) estate goes back to 1930 and was said to be built by one of Thomas Edison's daughters, according to Robert Snyder, the Coldwell Banker agent who is listing the property.....The nine-acre lot includes extensive gardens, ornamental pools and spectacular views of the water behind it. Deer and osprey can be seen...Snyder, who is vice president of the St. Michaels town commission, says "It truly is a magnificent piece of property."

We will keep you appraised of the Cheney's adjustment to their new home. But you can resist the natural inclination to help these poor souls. Generous contributions to the Dick and Lynn Cheney Relief and Recovery Fund have already been deducted from your and your children's hides and sent directly to the Secret Service to install and provide security for the beleaguered couple.

Hurricane George Devastates US Treasury
Remember those unpatriotic, un-American, communistic "tax and spend liberals?" Thankfully we got rid of that lot, right?

Well, at least they understood that, in order to have money to spend, they had to collect taxes. We replaced them with something even worse, spend and borrow conservatives. And a fine mess they have gotten us into now.

After cutting taxes, mostly on the rich, by nearly $2 trillion, they proceeded to start a $200 billion war . That in turn forced them to cut public services that were once funded by tax money that now resides in Warren Buffet and Bill Gates bank accounts. (Paul Allen used his tax cut to buy a new 400-foot yacht.)

Then Katrina hit the Gulf like a nuclear blast. That little rainy day, for which there was now no rainy day fund, is going to cost us hundreds of billions of dollars. I figure that by the time relief operations end, the rebuilding is complete and inevitable graft and corruption are all added up, Katrina will cost us half a trillion bucks.

Graft and corruption? There you go again, Pizzo. Where? Prove it. ... Okay, I agree it's a little early, but how's this for a leading indicator:

Halliburton Bags Katrina Contract
Houston: The Navy has hired Houston-based Halliburton Co. to restore electric power, repair roofs and remove debris at three naval facilities in Mississippi damaged by Hurricane Katrina .... Halliburton subsidiary KBR will also perform damage assessments at other naval installations in New Orleans as soon as it is safe to do so....KBR was assigned the work under a "construction capabilities" contract awarded in 2004 after a competitive bidding process. The company is not involved in the Army Corps of Engineers' effort to repair New Orleans' levees. (Full Story)

And, proving that even in Bush's faith-based universe, the rules of cause and effect still reign:

Halliburton Stock Hits 52-Week High
The price of this stock reached a new 52-week high of $65.19 on an intraday basis. If this stock is a recent initial public offering, this high was made within a price history that is less than 52 weeks. (Details)

So you ask, if we they are not taxing folks to pay for al this, where are the Neocons getting all this dough? They are charging it – on your credit card.

Talk about identity theft!

The Rev. Pat Robertson Solution
A few weeks ago the most reverend Pat Robertson prayed on TV for God to "create more openings on the Supreme Court," and, thud, just like that, the Chief Justice dropped dead of natural causes.

Whoa! Now, that's what I call getting results.

Maybe the Democrats should seek Robertson's help, or find their own voodooer. Who knows, God might just be bipartisan in these matters. After all, I figure after killing all those Democrat voters down in Louisiana last week The Big Guy owes our side big time.

I know I'm a salvation-challenged heathen, but I figure that if Robertson can arrange such a thing,it's worth a try. And if any group could use some voodoo assistance it's sure enough theDems. The voodoo-ers on the right are winning by default. So far the score stands:

Rev. Pat Robertson 1,
Heathen Democrats 0.

So, go ahead, if you're religious and believe in miracles, angles and all-powerful pretend friends, pull out the stops; praise the Lord til you go horse, pass the prayer books, finger those rosaries until the beads fall off, do the Stations of the Cross until your knees bleed, burn so much incense at homemade shrines that your neighbors call fire department.

Because, at least for the next three years, it appears only divine intervention will save our sorry asses from these people.

Photoshop Award of the Day

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