Monday, January 24, 2005

January 21, 2005

Bush Hits Ground Repairing Diplomatic Ties
George W. Bush wasted no time the first full day of his second term. His first act was to begin repairing any diplomatic damage that he might have caused among America's allies in the war against terror. We were able to obtain the emails Bush sent to the leaders of three of those countries:

To: Saudi Royal Family
From: GWB

Re: My speech

Your Highnesses,
By now ya’all have probably heard about my inauguration speech yesterday. (Yeah, I know you were not invited. NOT my fault. Karl said it was not a good idea for me to be photographed yukking it up with a bunch of robed royals. But listen, Laura and I are going to have ya’all to the ranch for a BBQ this summer, and we WON’T be inviting Worry Wart Rove! HA! :-)))

Anyways, as I was saying about my speech --- was that a kick-ass speech, or what? I had lots more but Karl cut my best lines. I had one about France that was a real side splitter too. Rove said the less I say the better so he shortened the speech. He cut out a bunch of nice things I wanted to say about how Saudi Arabia has stepped up the plate in the war on terrorists. He cut that part because he thought it clashed with the universal freedom theme, thing. I disagreed, but Karl goes all weird on me when he doesn’t get his way. The last thing I needed yesterday was Karl walking around all pouty mouth. :-(

I know I also said a bunch of stuff about how we were going to get butch with counties that are not democracies. You might have thought Saudi Arabia might be on that list. Well, no way! You guys have a sweet thing going -- wish I had the same set up here. (Oh man! I just flashed on a vision of Dick Cheney in Saudi royal robes, head-towel thing, the whole git-up – what a hoot! So, can you send me one? I’m gonna make Dick put it on and I'll send you the pictures. That would besooo funny!;-)

Anyways, I just wanted to assure you fellas that now that all the election stuff and speechifying are out of the way you won’t be hearing anything more noise about us wanting free and open elections in Saudi Arabia.

Free elections in Saudi Arabia!?!?!? – Jesus H. Christ, can you imagine what friggin mess THAT would be! Actually I know you can, because you told me last summer between gin and tonics. I have not been able to forget your description of millions of swarthy, radical Muslims, indoctrinated by Saudi-funded nut-case Mullahs, marching like terrorist robots to the polls. Let me tell ya, I'm still having nightmares about that.

So, between ya’all and me, as for free elections in Saudi Arabia --- over my dead body! Ain’t gonna happen,royal senors. And I know we can count on you guys to make sure it doesn’t.

Hey, while I have your ear, what say you boost oil production a notch or two? I want to give Americans a little something. It’s the kind of small thing that keeps them out of my hair. You might not realize it but, even in a democracy, people can be bought off.

Man... look who I am giving lectures to about how to buy people off! That's like telling monkeys how to eat bananas. ;-) Ha!

Your pal,

To: Gen. Musharaf
Pakistan Pres.

From: GWB
US Pres.

Re: My speech

Dear General/President,
Listen amigo, I just wanted to drop you a quick email about my speech yesterday. You might have thought I was talking about Pakistan when I speechified about spreading democracy to countries that don’t have the stuff. Well, of course I wasn’t. We have been friends long enough so that I figured you’d know that, but Karl said I should make sure by shooting you a personal note.

How could anyone - much less you -- seriously believe we would want free and open elections in Pakistan? Holy moly, what a mistake that would be. I bet if we did a poll right now 90% of the people there would say they think Osama would do a better job running Pakistan than you!

And then there are all those Talibaners you guys funded and supported for years in Afghanistan. They all moved to Pakistan when we invaded Afghanistan. And you wanna bet they’d want to vote too? Sure they would, the pushy little bastards. No way! Before anyone gets to vote in your neck of the woods we first have to weed out the people who should not vote – like ever – if you get my point. :-0 ;-) (LOL)

But I know you and I are on the same page with that, General. So, rest easy. No one is going to be marching to the polls in Pakistan anytime soon – especially considering the mess I started by insisting those ungrateful Iraqis vote. Lesson learned there, dude! :-/

Listen, one more thing. Laura has a real thing for sizzling tandor. Do you have a cook you can send over? One small problemo tho. The Secret Service says I can’t have a Muslim cook – for obvious reasons. So can you try to find one that’s, as you guys like say, an “infidel.” (We call those kind of non-religious folk “sinners” over here. Trouble is when you call someone a sinner you need proof they committed a sin. So I kinda like the term “infidel.” It’s edgier and more flexible. All someone has to do be an “infidel” is to be an unbeliever. “Hillary Clinton, infidel!” Ted Kennedy, Infidel. Ha! Take that looooosers. )

Anyways, look into the sizzling tandor cook thing, would ya?

Thanks General AND President. I like that too. Nice touch dude :-)

To: Pres, Mubarak

Re: My Speech

Mr. President of Egypt
My mummy sends her regards. Ha! Sorry ‘bout that but, as you can imagine, I’m feeling pretty frisky after winning reelection.

Then again maybe you can't imagine, since since no one is allowed to run against you. Frankly, that's a sweet brand of democracy. Wish I had that. It sure would save on the time I have to waste raising campaign money to battle some liberal Democrat.

Anyways, you may be concerned about my all-democracy-everywhere speech. Well, not to worry. First the $2 billion we send Egypt every year so you make nice to Israel is safe. Check’s in the mail already for this year. Signed the damn thing myself, just to make sure you know we like you guys just the way you are.

I have to hand it to you guys. You really pulled off something pretty impressive. I mean, it’s not like you have oil or something we need. All you have are a bunch of mummies and sand. Nevertheless we send you truckloads of money every year and let you have your way, at least most of the time.

And what do we get in return? Just your promise Egypt will not committe suicide-by-cop invading Israel. Nicely done sir!

Hey, while I have you, can you send me a mummy? No, seriously Hosni, I want one, preferably in its original box. I am going to sneak it into Rumsfelds office some night with a sign on the box reading “Rummy’s Mummy.” Ha! I can just see the old farts face! He’ll love it.

But send it directly here, to the White House. I want to play with it first. :-)))

Your pal
President of US of A.

By Stephen Pizzo
Raconteur at Large

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