January 28, 2005
Queer Eye for The Straight Kid?
To the religious fundamentalist Satan works overtime as a cartoonist, devising ways to sneak into our kid’s minds. The latest Satan sighting comes by America’s Christian-Taliban was at PBS where he is channeling himself through cartoon characters. His goal, they believe; to boost the ranks of girly boys and truck-driving lesbians.
Forget about Osama bin Laden. The real attack against American values and culture is coming right into our homes through TV traveling under the moniker “SpongeBob SquarePants.” He is -- they gasp holding crosses up to their TV’s – the latest kiddy anti-Christ.
It seems that Bob was just a bit too flamboyant for America’s self-appointed hall monitors. Bob is on notice and on probation. If he continues swishing around and hanging out with other suspiciously frolicky cartoon characters he will join the Teletubbies in exile. They were the first wave of pervert cartoon characters Satan put to work on kids’ minds. The ever-so Rev. Jerry Falwell outted those three interior decorators. The tip offs, Falwell said, were right there for anyone to see. First, they were clearly sissy boys. I mean, no real American boy would prance around talking silly touchy feely crap like those three. They were like a bunch of old hens. And, while it was fine that each was a different color, they were pastels. PASTELS! And they didn’t even clash. The last straw was that one of them carried a bag that looked suspiciously like a woman’s purse. Busted!!!
That was just the beginning. Once they discovered Satan’s Teletubby plot the Christian-Taliban sounded the alarm. Children’s programming became the latest front in the values war. And, the more they looked, the more they found. Not since Joe McCarthy uncovered commies crawling all over the U.S. State Department has the American way been at such peril.
And, where the Christian-Taliban goes, the Bush administration follows.. sometimes leads. So it was not long before the administration joined the cartoon crusades. As her very first act after being sworn in as Secretary of Education, Marg Spelling shot off a demand to PBS that they either round up their Buster cartoon character and get him to reeducation camp -- or else.
What did Buster do? Well, just about the worst thing a children’s cartoon character can do. He got caught on film treating a lesbian couple like everyone else. Oh this was a truly sinister plot. Satan learned from his Teletubby pilot project. This time he would not be so obvious. He laid his plans well. Buster’s show, “Postcards From Buster,” would be about a cute little bunny guy in (manly) jeans who travels the world interviewing children being raised in different cultures and under a variety of living conditions. The stated purpose of the show was to expose children to the wide variety of family environments in order to build understand and tolerance.
All went well for the first few shows as Buster visited children being raised on military bases, in the Amazon, in foster homes, and such. As soon as Satan figured no grownups were looking he made his move, sending his little pervert Buster to visit three happy and healthy kids being raised by two …. gasp… lesbians.
Now, in and of itself, this would not have been bad, they say, had the kids been clawing at the doors and windows, screaming and crying and begging to be rescued. But they were normal happy kids. So were the two women who are their parents. Their home was spacious, clean, Donna Reed would have loved the place. It was the perfect American home. But, not the perfect American family, as far as the Christian-Taliban were concerned.
Better if these kids were living in a trailer with a hard-drinking redneck father and subservient, beaten down mother, than these two women! At least they would see things the way god meant them to be. But a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, with nice cloths, vacations, good schooling, lots of love and support.. but from two women? NEVER! The only thing that could have made the episode worse is if it had featured a mixed race lesbian couple. But, let this one by, and can it be far behind?
So Secretary Spelling told PBS to either kill the episode or return any government money that went into producing this piece of live-and-let-live children’s programming. Fostering understanding and tolerance are fine, but teaching children that gays too can and do live normal lives, well, that’s just wrong. I mean everyone knows that being gay is perverted and perverts live dark, kinky and unhappy lives. Everyone knows that… or should.
To the Christian-Taliban Buster, SpongeBob and the Teletubbies are just further proof that their worst fears are being realized. The liberal media once “controlled by the Jews,” is now being run by GAY Jews. Their goal; to promote “the gay agenda” to our children. And everyone knows that, since they don’t reproduce, gays have to recruit new members.
Thank god they caught it.
And what did PBS do. It caved, promising it would not send that particular episode to its stations. Shame. Shame. Shame.
Now that the do-gooders have outted three leading cartoon perverts they can go back to watching good clean TV.. the Sopranos, Sex And The City and Desperate Housewives. Shows like that depict “real” American families in which only real men and real women live together, cheat on each other, beat each other, take drugs together, go to rehab together, get divorced, fight over who gets the kids – or gets stuck with them.
That’s the kind of programming that prepares kids for REAL family life. Is that a worry? Shouldn't they be working on those families instead? Not until they put an end to gay parenting first. If we don’t, in a generation we may end up with a nation full of adults who worry more about what kids living in poverty and abusive heterosexual houses than kids being well cared for by two parents whose genitals just happen to match.