Thursday, November 10, 2005

November 9, 2005

Breaking Business News
Kingdom of Oz Acquires State of Kansas

NFR-November 7, 2005: For almost fifty years residents of the surreal Kingdom of OZ have fumed over how their kingdom was portrayed as a lesser alternative to the State of Kansas. After years of behind the scenes fundraising and organizing the Kingdom of Oz (KOZ) completed a hostile takeover of the state yesterday.

"I may not have gotten a brain from the Grand Wizard of Oz, but he gave me something more important," said Wizard of Oz spokesman Scott Strawman. "He gave me an appreciation for nonsense, things we wish were true, but aren't. He gave me the ability to make them true just by pretending they are. Now I am able to create my own reality right out of my empty head. What a gift! And that's why I am so pleased to announce that as of today The Yellow Brick Road runs right through heart – and heads -- of the wonderful State of Kansas."

A clearly delighted Strawman added in a mocking voice, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. Ha,ha,ha. That mean little ethnocentric insult sure came back to haunt -em, huh?"

The first official act passed by the state's new owner was to revise school science cirroculum.

"The children of this poor land have had their heads stuffed so full of facts, facts, facts, they are losing their appreciation for nonsense, said Prof. Dobson M. Munchkin. "Nonsense and faith go hand in hand. If you teach children that facts are more 'real' than nonsense, you undermine faith. Faith has to be blind or it becomes an oxymoron. And faith is built on foundations of nonsense. Kansas schools have turned children against nonsense and we intend to change that. We need to reawaken the nonsense center in these student's central cortexes. Once that little bugger wakes back up these kids will once again be able to blend fact and fiction in ways that render them indistinguishable."

Prof. Dobson said the damage fact-based education causes could best be seen by looking at Dorothy's own behavior.

"While Hollywood portrayed Dorothy as a heroine, she was actually a victim," Dobson said. "By the time she ended up in Oz, fact-based science had driven that poor little girl crazy. Day in and day out Dorothy was told she was descended from monkeys. By the time we got her she was hallucinating that Oz was filled with evil flying monkeys."

"Well, first of all, we don't have monkeys in Oz," he pointed out. "Never have had monkeys -- and we sure as hell don't have flying monkeys. They were figments of that poor little girl's fact-fatiqued mind. The poor thing had been exposed for weeks on end to fossil records showing she was, (so they claim,) descended from disgusting, hairy, tree-climbing, ball-scratching, dung throwing apes. No wonder she was such a mess."

As of yesterday Kansas students will be exposed to Ozian science. Ozian science differs from fact-filled science in that Ozian science is devoid of facts. In the place of facts students are asked to stretch their minds. They are asked to imagine the possibility they were created just the way they are a few thousand years ago by an "intelligent being." (Well actually by the Wizard, but, Dobson said, "we have to bring them along slowly as it will take a while to shake all those facts loose. Oh, and BTW.. just between us -- the Wizard also created monkeys, but Ozian science teaches that monkeys were a completely different product line entirely.")

Reached for comment at the White House President George Bush said he was highly supportive of the Oz/Kansas merger.

"Oz is a faith-based kingdom," Bush said. "It's another step in allowing nonsense back into our public square again. People who believe in nonsense have been scorned and excluded from the public square for too long. I speak regularly with the Wizard. The Wizard understands how important it is to fight terrorists wherever they are. He too has felt the ugly hand of terror in the form of terrorists in black robes flying around and scaring His people. The Wizard is on our side."

The President left the podium ignoring questions shouted by Helen Thomas.

"Mr. President. Mr. President. Is it true you have asked the Wizard for a brain?"

Meanwhile back in Kansas legislators adopted a new state slogan for their license plates:

"Brains? We don't need no stinkin brains."